


To save you

by Lavanyaa



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x18, Alec's POV, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad, Sad Alec, Sad Magnus, Self - Harm (nothing graphic), alec's thoughts, he just wants magnus to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2020-04-23 02:30:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19141759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavanyaa/pseuds/Lavanyaa
Summary: Alec's thoughts as he decides to summon Asmodeus to get Magnus' magic, after he broke down crying in his arms.''No matter the cost,he needed to save Magnus.''





	1. My fault

Alec's mind was being assaulted by all kind of thoughts as he thought about the thousand of ways of how this could go wrong.

Of course, he didn't have to do it. But he wanted to. Because watching Magnus break down in front of him had been the last straw. He couldn't handle this anymore, he couldn't watch Magnus slip away from him, little by little into darkness and suffering without doing nothing. He needed to fix this. He could fix this.

After Lorenzo had taken back his magic from Magnus, Magnus had told him that it was worth dying over it. Alec couldn't believe it. Of course, he knew that magic was important to Magnus… but he hadn't know how much Magnus was suffering and breaking without his magic until he had told him that he would die trying to use magic.

  
  


“ **I fell in love with you because you're wise and you're generous and you're brave, and you're incredible.**

**When you walk into a room, there is a spark in you, magic or not, that lights up everything and everyone around you.”**   
  
  


He had meant every word of it. Alec had thought that they would get through this… That maybe, with his help and support, Magnus would, one day, be able to live as a mundane, that he would come to peace with it. But when Magnus had looked at him, with wide and pained eyes, his voice shaking,

“ _Can you honestly say you like this?”_

Alec's heart had broken to pieces. How could it not? Magnus had looked so sure that Alec didn't love him anymore. Because he had lost his job, his title, his home and his magic.

How was Alec supposed to prove that he would never stop loving Magnus? He never would. Because he never could. Warlock or mundane, immortal or mortal, lost or complete, happy or broken, Alec would love every part of Magnus. Nothing would change that. And it broke Alec's heart that Magnus thought that he was unlovable now that he had lost his powers. It made Alec angry. How Magnus could think that? After everything they had been through together? But soon, anger had turned into desperation when Alec had realized something.

He was helpless.

He couldn't get Magnus title back. He couldn't get his home back. And he couldn't find a way to bring Magnus’ magic back. He had no choice but to see Magnus suffer and deal with his new situation, while only trying to be supportive and present for him.

After Magnus had healed from his bleeding, caused by Lorenzo's magic, it had became easier. At least, that was what Alec had thought. He had thought they could get through this. They only needed to be together for this to work out. Alec had thought that maybe, their love could fix everything. He had hoped that it would be enough.

So he had decided to propose. He had came so close to losing Magnus, he didn't even wanted to spend one day more without making sure Magnus knew how much Alec loved him. And proposing to him had seemed like a wonderful idea to prove to Magnus that Alec would always love him, that he would always be by his side no matter what, supporting him and loving him with his whole being. He had prepared everything. Dinner. The Lightwood family ring. Candles. His speech. Decoration. Everything had been settled. The only thing missing had been Magnus.

Then… Then Magnus had showed up late, drunk, heartbroken and sad, and Alec hadn't know what to do. He had seen Magnus hurt before, he had seen how the past had hurted Magnus and how much heartbreaks and pain he had gone through. But that night during their dinner… It had been something entirely different. Magnus wasn't just heartbroken… he was uncomplete, unhappy, lost, and depressed. And Alec hadn't realized it until last night. Magnus had broken down in his arms, crying, clutching at his shirt, his fingers digging into his back, as if Alec was the only thing holding him from completely slipping down. Alec couldn't have done anything but to hold him. He had kept silence, unable to say a word of comfort, because there were no words which could have made Magnus feel better.

He had lost his magic. Something which had been in his life since he was a kid, as a second skin, flooding in his blood, as a part of him. It had been the only constant thing that Magnus had during his whole life. For someone who was immortal, where loss was something that he couldn't escape, his magic was the reassurance he needed. It was a way to know that even if Magnus lost everything, he would always have his magic. Then, he had sacrificed it to his Father to save Jace from Lilith, and Alec from losing his parabatai. And deep down, Alec knew that Magnus would do it again if he had to, because that's how Magnus was. Selfless and caring, prepared to give up everything and even himself to help and save the people he cared about.

It had been a whole day. And Alec had spent it in the library, away from everyone, making it clear that he needed some time alone. He hadn't seen Magnus after last night. He wasn't avoiding him. Maybe he was. He didn't know. He just knew that he had to do something. So he did some research. He went through every book available at the Institute which deal with Edom. And the Greater Demon, Asmodeus. He learned everything he could. And he made a decision. He knew this was going to come with a price. Of course it was. But at this moment, he didn't care. He only wanted Magnus to be happy again. To be whole again.

Seeing Magnus breakdown in front of him, crying, and telling him that he may never be happy again… That he might feel this way for the rest of his life… It had hurted Alec. Not only because a part of his mind had whispered that he was never going to be enough for Magnus, especially now that his magic was gone, but also because he hadn't realized how bad Magnus was doing. He had never seen him so… lost and vulnerable.

He loved him. He loved him so much. Magnus had saved him. From a lonely, miserable, loveless life.

 


	2. To bring you back

That was why he was now sitting at the Library, in front of a table, his fingers rubbing his forehead, his eyes tightly shut and his frown deepening.

Alec knew how dangerous this whole thing could turn out to be. And the fact that he didn't even slightly care about that, showed how much Alec was desperate. But his mind wouldn't shut up.

If this turned wrong, he could lost everything. His job, and probably his runes. But the Institute and his loyalty to the Clave meant nothing to Alec anymore. Because they weren't as important as they were before. What mattered to him now, more than anything in the world, was Magnus. Nothing and no one would be ever important to him as Magnus was.

There was a time, where all Alec wanted was to stay unnoticed, as much as he wished deeply for someone to free him from his self hatred and miserable life. It had become so easy to live in the shadows that Alec hadn't noticed that he had almost become one.

Meeting Magnus had saved him. Magnus had pushed past his walls, and walked into his life, crushing his resistance and helped him in a way that had saved him from loneliness and despair.

He had been in such a dark place, without even noticing it, and Magnus had rescued him. He had loved him, supported him and believed him when he had needed him. He had been there when he had been all scared and alone. Magnus had saved him from darkness.

So screw the consequences. He wasn't going to change his mind. Why would he? Magnus had given away his magic in order to prevent him from losing Jace. Magnus had sacrificed a huge part of himself so Alec wouldn't have to lose his half who was his parabatai. Not only he had saved Jace, but he had also saved Alec from a pain he knew he couldn't deal with.

Alec was also angry at himself. Why had he let Magnus go to Edom in the first place? He should have stopped him. He could've stopped him. But he didn't. Because one part of him had thought that everything would be okay. It was Magnus, he had thought that he would fix everything, and everything would be okay again. He had so desperately hoped that things would get back to normal. But they had only gotten worse. So much worse.

Now, Magnus was lost, broken, depressed, sad and angry. And Alec hated to see Magnus like this. Magnus, who used to be so much happier and used to shine as a bright light just by smiling. Magnus didn't even smile anymore. He tried. But Alec knew it was a fake one. It couldn't hide the pain and desperate call for help that also screamed through Magnus’ brown eyes.

Of course, Alec still loved him. He still thought that Magnus was one of the bravest people he had known. He still thought that Magnus was the kindest, and purest soul among everyone else. He knew that Magnus was strong, but there was a limit about how much people could keep falling, and falling, before reaching a limit where help was necessary.

That was why Alec needed to do something, and quick. Because with every second that passed by, Magnus was losing himself to sorrow and pain, and loneliness.

A part of Alec screamed in pain. Because this wasn't fair. This wasn't supposed to happen. They were supposed to be happy. They deserved to be happy. Magnus deserved to be happy. After everything he had been through, all those centuries of pain, loss and heartbreak, he deserved to be happy, and rest. But Alec couldn't keep out the thought that ever since Magnus had met Alec, he had kept suffering. He knew that Magnus loved him. He did. But sometimes, his mind wandered, and unpleasant thoughts came to surface.

When Magnus had told him that he might never be happy again, without his magic, Alec had felt a knife go through his heart. He had tried to push away the unwanted thoughts out of his mind, but he hadn't managed to do it.

A part of his mind kept whispering that he wouldn't be enough. He wouldn't be enough for Magnus. He could be present, he could support Magnus.

But it wouldn't be enough, thought Alec.

He wouldn't be able to make Magnus whole again, even if he tried his hardest, he wouldn't be enough. And that thought alone killed Alec. As much as he didn't want to believe it, it was the truth. Magnus would never feel happy again. The only way that Magnus would regain his happiness and smile, was to find a way to get his magic back.

So what if his love wasn't enough? Alec would still find a way to fix this. All he needed to do was to get Magnus’ magic back. And for that, he needed to see Asmodeus.

He knew that there would be a price to pay. But he was prepared to pay it. Because Magnus was the only thing that mattered. He needed to get Magnus’ magic and immortality back, and he was ready to give anything in return.

Magnus had given him so much. Love, happiness, acceptance, and so much more. He had thought Alec how to love. He was the push that Alec had needed to be finally be himself. And he had never thanked him. Magnus had helped him become the person he was now. Happy and complete. He had given him everything he hadn't know he needed. He had saved him in so many ways. Alec didn't know how he had been able to live without Magnus all those past years. He had been so used to live alone, in shadows, behind everyone else, that when Magnus had looked at him first, it had surprised him. And Magnus had kept surprising him, in all the ways that Alec loved. Magnus had become his safe place, a person that Alec trusted more than he had ever trusted himself.

Magnus had saved him, again, and again, now, it was Alec's turn to save Magnus.

Determined, Alec moved his hand from his forehead, to rub his knuckles against his close eyes. Getting up, Alec took a deep breath. He knew what he needed to do. He had planned everything. He knew where he needed to go and who he needed to meet. Everything was settled.

He may not be able to make Magnus happy on his own, but he knew that getting his magic and immortality back would make him whole again.

No matter the cost,

he needed to save Magnus.

 


	3. The deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SORRY for the late update, here is the last chapter. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Alec couldn’t breathe.

Asmodeus’ words kept ringing in his own head, and he couldn’t make his voice go away even if he tried his hardest.

 

**''End your relationship.''**

**''Break his heart, to save his life.''**

 

He couldn’t do it. There had to be another way. Breaking Magnus’ heart would mean leaving him behind.

 

_But he would get his magic back, his powers back. He would be whole again,_ thought Alec. 

  
  


He shut his eyes and swallowed down his threatening sob.

  
  


He was currently at the Institute, in his closed room, sitting on the side of his bed, his head in his hands, his fingers pulling at his hair, welcoming the physical pain as a distraction.

 

After leaving the shop from where he had summoned Asmodeus, Alec haad gotten out and made his way to the Institute, ignoring the odd and worried glances that everyone threw at him. He had ran to his room and it had taken him a great deal of time to get his breathing under control.

 

As soon as he had closed his bedroom door behind him, his knees gave out and he fell on the floor, pulling his knees against his chest, as he fell apart, shutting his eyes closed, as tears clouded his vision and rolled down on his cheeks, as he tried his hardest to keep his sobs inside. After a few minutes, he had lost control, tired of fighting against himself, against the heartbreaking pain he was feeling. So he had cried, for what he was going to lose, almost torn between the fight his heart and mind were fighting. His heart had been telling him to find another way, that if he looked more into it, there would be another way, which will prevent both of their upcoming heartbreaks. Then, there had been his mind, telling him, without mercy, that he had to do this, that there was no other option, not for this inconvenience. Not for Magnus.

  
  


Because that was exactly the problem. Maybe there was another way, maybe if he searched deep, a a little longer, he would find the right solution to their problem. But the real trouble was time. It was limited. Magnus didn't _have_ time. He was so close to the edge, and Alec could not leave him a second more near that edge, if he could do something to heal him, to fix him, even if it meant he had to leave him behind.

So, now, here he was, sitting alone on his bed, pulling on his hair, with force, as he tried to convince his heart and his mind that this was the right thing to do, even if the damage would be beyond repair. He would be destroyed, it takes real courage to let go of the thing which means the world to you. Saying goodbye to Magnus, for his own good, even if a part of him would be relieved to see Magnus whole again, the other part of him would be more than heartbroken.

  
  


But not Magnus, Magnus would be fine, he had to. He would move on from Alec, and he would learn how to live without him. It wouldn't be a big deal. Magnus would be okay. He would get his magic back, and he would find happiness in life again, he would feel like he matters again. He would be happy, even if after losing Alec.

 

Alec forced himself to believe it, even if his heart was suffering as his thoughts took over his mind. Even if Alec didn't want to believe it. He wanted to believe that Alec mattered to Magnus as much as Magnus mattered to Alec. Magnus was the most important person in his life.

 

Magnus was his world.

But maybe he wasn't Magnus'.

 

This thought released another sob from his throat, the thought more than painful to imagine, and even more destroying to believe it. Because he had to. He had to make himself believe that he wasn't that important to Magnus. Because if he didn't, it would make this harder to do. And if he believed that Magnus would be okay without him, that losing Alec wouldn't crush as he would crush Alec, it would be easier to walk away from him, even if the thought alone of breaking up with Magnus was unbearable.

 

Alec had never thought this would happen. He had always pictured the rest of his life by Magnus' side already. It was obvious. Why would he let go of the person who makes his life worth living ? Why would he let go of the only one who can make him smile and beyond happy for little reasons ? Why would he let go of the person who helped him become the best version of himself ? Why would he let go of the person whom Alec wanted to make happy in return ? He wouldn't . But it didn't mean that he didnt't _have_ to. He did. For Magnus.

 

By the end, if it helped Magnus, this would be worth it. Nothing matters more than Magnus, not even Alec's own happiness.

 

**''Look I know how important magic is to you, but is it really worth dying for?**

**Magnus answer me.''**

**''Maybe.''**

  
  


Alec understood now what he hadn't understand before. Magic was vital for Magnus, it was his essence of life. Like runes were to Shadowhunters. Of course, it would break Magnus to lose that part of him. The way he had felt when Magnus answered with that simple word, broke his heart. And for the first time, he had felt that he wasn't taking the situation seriously. He had knew Magnus wasn't okay, but he hadn't knew that Magnus was that lost and desperate to get his magic, or any kind of magic, back. He should have seen it coming. He should have been more attentive and careful.

  
  


“ **I am nothing without my magic. You fell in love with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn.**

**Can you honestly say you don’t feel differently about me?**

**Look at me!**

**Can you honestly say you like this?”**

  
  


Magnus' tired face, and lifeless eyes staring back at him, flashed in his mind, making his breath stutter, as he moved his hands from his head to lay his arms on his knees and grasp his hands together. Alec had tried to reassure him the best he could, pouring his heart out to him, that he didn't make a difference. Magic or not, Alec would never love Magnus any less than he did now.

 

**''And I’m just coming to terms with how useless I am without it''**

 

The fact that Magnus felt this way after losing his magic, and the fact that Alec hadn't been aware of his feelings, were breaking his heart.

How could Magnus feel this low about himself ? Well, he got his answer now. Losing a part of yourself is never easy, especially for your self-confidence. But Alec wished he could tell Magnus how important he is to him. He wished to tell him that whatever happens, he would never love him any less ; that he would always show him how much he loves him. He could. But Magnus wouldn't hear him. He wouldn't believe him. Because the only thing that made him feel mattered wasn't there anymore. And Alec wasn't enough to fill that empty space. Not anymore.

 

Alec wasn't the one who Magnus needed right now.

 

**''Well, I am not happy.''**

 

Alec had always wanted to make Magnus as happy as Magnus made him. That was the only thing he had ever wanted. Ever since Magnus had lost his magic, Alec had never been this helpless and scared, but he had pushed his worries aside, hoping that time would fix the problem. It hadn't. It had only got worse.

 

“ **My son gave his powers willingly to save his lover’s parabatai”**

  
  


Magnus wouldn't have lost his magic if it wasn't for him, if it wasn't to save Alec's parabatai. So, of course, Alec was feeling guilty. Magnus lost a part of his identity so that Alec could still have his parabatai. He didn't know if he would ever stop feeling guilty about this. If he hadn't asked Magnus to help Jace, and involving him in every single problem he had faced, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

 

But it had. And now, he had to fix this.

 

 

**''Don’t make me pretend this is just a phase, because it’s not. What I’m feeling now, it may never pass. For as long as I live.''**

  
  


He remembered how broken Magnus had been, the night he broke down in his arms. He must have felt terribly awful to lose control like this. And a part of Alec was glad that Magnus had cried that night, making Alec realize that he was doing everything wrong. That night had made him realize, painfully, that Alec couldn't help Magnus to move on, to find himself a new beginning. Because his magic was part of his life, and without it, his life would become hollow. And he would spent the rest of his life drowning, unable to feel anything but sadness, and hopelesness.

  
  


And Alec couldn't let that happen. That was why he had to do this. He had to fix this mess he had made. The mess which hurted Magnus. Magnus, who was always so selfless, caring, and kind and gentle. Magnus, who didn't deserve any of the bad things that had happen to him.

  
  


Life had been hard on Magnus, for so many centuries, and he was going through the worst of it now because Shadowhunters messed up. Because he messed up. None of this would have happen if he knew how to fix the problems his people make.

  
  


But this, this is something he can do. This is something he can fix. He had to do what Asmodeus had told him to do. This way, at least Magnus wouldn't suffer anymore. This way, he could repair what he broke. He could put together the broken pieces of Magnus' mind and heart, which he broke in the first place.

The amount of guilt he was feeling at the moment was awful. His mind was being cruel and his heart was the victim of its harsh thoughts.

  
  


“ **Immortals aren’t meant to grow wrinkled and grey.**

**In time, Magnus will come to resent you, until the bitter end.”**

  
  


Asmodeus was right. This wasn't supposed to happen. Magnus had been immortal. He needed to stay immortal and a warlock. These two things had been in his life this whole time. And Alec needed to bring them back into Magnus' life.

 

If he waited any longer, things would get worse than they already were. And Alec wouldn't let that happen. Magnus' pain would get even less bearable, Magnus would feel even more lonely and miserable. Alec needed to put an end to this. Because if he didn't, if he waited trusting time would make it better, Magnus would end up resenting him, blaming him, hating him and pushing him away... And Alec wouldn't be able to survive it. Magnus wouldn't survive it either. It woud be better to just fix this right now than to make suffer the both of them horribly, years or even months later.

 

If he kept waiting, Magnus would end up pushing Alec away by his own.

He was going to, anyway. After all, why wouldn't he ? After what Alec had planned, he would be surprised if Magnus ever think about him again.

 

  
  


“ **You’re the source of all his suffering. You make him vulnerable, weak. With you, he’ll never reach his full potential.”**

 

These words were the hardest one to get out of his mind, because they speak the truth. He was the source of all his suffering. Magnus had lost his job, his powers, his home, and now he was going to lose Alec. But at least, he would get back one of those things. And that was what mattered the most. After getting his magic back, Magnus could get a new place and new relaxing job. His heart would be broken but he would survive it. He had to.

 

Alec used to hear that love makes you vulnerable, yet stronger. Then why did ever since they have met, Magnus always suffered ? Why did Alec bring him so much pain and heartbreak ? Why did he cause all this misery ? Why Alec seemed to be the one cursing Magnus' life more and more everyday ? Why did he feel like Magnus would be better off without him ? Why, even if his heart wanted to believe the opposite, his mind was convinced that losing Alec would Magnus' life, somehow, easier ?

 

Every single bad thing that had happened to Magnus came back flashing in front of his eyes.

 

Magnus losing his dear friend, Ragnor. The whole downworlders being in danger, including Magnus, because they had failed, as protectors and as shadowhunters to stop Valentine. Magnus had lost his people. He had got posessed by Valentine because Alec hadn't paid attention to what was happening around him. He had let Magnus rotting in a cell at the Institute, in Valentine's body because he couldn't make the difference between the two of them. He had to go through in one of the most painful memories of his life, his childhood, because Alec didn't believe him.

 

And now...

  
  


“ **Then I’m afraid you will be the death of him.''**

  
  


The last sentence muttered by Asmodeus, his voice taunting, filled with an unpleasant humor, and a glint of evilness in his deep, dark eyes, was enough to convince Alec that even if this wasn't the best idea, it was the only thing he could do to bring back to Magnus his magic he had lost because of, and for Alec.

Even if it meant that it would destroy Alec's heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story, I hope you all liked it. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated! Thank you for reading <3


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